I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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