Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
