Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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