Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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