My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Green mimosas i think yes
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
