That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
