no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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