I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
