i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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