It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I don't deserve a penis
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
