I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
