if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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