If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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