I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
