Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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