i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize