I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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