i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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