I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Randomize
