I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
