sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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