OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
