just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Randomize