Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
There's always time for handjobs
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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