i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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