He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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