nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
