All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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