you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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