seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
