I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
