Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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