she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
