You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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