Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
