I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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