you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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