i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
