His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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