My sheets look like a crime scene.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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