I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
