we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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