just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
