Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
