I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
