If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
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