literally had 100 drinks last night.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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