so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
