you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
