I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
