i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Welp...herpes.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
