Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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