Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
