no, he came in my armpit
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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