grandma shit on top of the toilet
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You have to summon your inner elephant
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
