I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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