If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Don't make out with my wife yet
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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