im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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