I wish I could teleport
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
