Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
